Her Living Letter

I'm Aunita, an Iranian writer exploring how identity, culture, and technology shape modern life. Writing, for me, is a way to make sense of the world, through essays, poetry, and reflections on belonging, language, and the pace of change. I moved to the U.S. from Iran at nineteen and taught myself English during the pandemic. Since then, writing in this language has become both a practice of self-expression and a lens through which I examine how we live, connect, and adapt in an ever-shifting world.

The Clock's Tick Tack, Tick Tack

Mountains' Whisper, Oblivion

Seating precisely in the center of my room, the clock's tick tack, tick tack, weaves the rhythm of a world in miniature. I was struck by an epiphany, akin to quiet revelations found in the natural world: life itself does not hasten; rather, it is the human mind, a forgetful and fleeting thing, that lets slip the fragments and pieces of time. Life, in its boundless expanse, doesn't rush; time doesn't scurry. It is a lesson in observation, in seeing the 'soft animal of your body' with the same patience and awe with which one might regard the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, announcing their place in the family of things, my Oliver.

In choosing not the train nor the shortest path but the longer, prettier route, we find a beauty unconfined by the rapid pace of existence. Climbing the mountain to view the city as an outsider, I embrace a detachment, a peace found in the observation of life's play from a distance, an artist or a poet standing apart from their canvas, yet deeply connected.

As I sit with the stars, watching the city, the life from afar, I am reminded of the playful deception of existence. The alarm's insistence pulls me back, a return to the chaos below, yet the mountains, through my window, offer a silent wink, a whispered reminder of the ephemeral beauty in the everyday and the impermanence of our sorrows and joys. "Don't forget," they seem to say, in a voice as calm as pensiveness and as perceptive as critique, "Now, amidst the chaos, absorb as much as you can—the love, the sadness. We will wait for you, to return here, and together, as avid observers, we will watch as everyone and everything else loses itself in the relentless race of life, while we, smiling, understand the profound truth hidden within the spectacle."

The Moments I Forgot to Record

I have around forty-one thousand photos and videos on my phone from the past six years. That's about five hundred sixty-nine pictures a month, or nineteen a day.

With the rise of social media and the quiet pressure to document every moment of our lives, it's impossible not to know someone who has become an "influencer" or a part-time TikTok archivist of their own existence.

Lately, I've been thinking about the moments I recorded versus the ones I didn't. The strange thing is that I barely remember the ones I documented. I almost never look back at those photos or videos. It's as if my brain decided it didn't need to store the memory because the camera was doing it for me. The moments I didn't record, though, those live vividly in my mind. I can feel them. I absorbed them fully.

The brain remembers what carries emotion, and the moments I let myself feel instead of film are the ones that stayed. I remember being at a Coldplay concert, stomping my feet to the rhythm, when Chris Martin told the crowd to put their phones away. He said this was a moment for harmony, for presence. I didn't record that part. I remember the air, the sound, the lights. I remember realizing that maybe this is what happiness feels like. I looked around and saw hundreds of phones raised high, still recording, and I wished they could join me in that quiet, electric now. That night—my one-night solo trip to Los Angeles, my favorite band, crying when Chris mentioned Iran, walking through the city alone at midnight, sleeping on the airport floor before my flight—remains one of the most alive memories I have. I barely filmed any of it.

I remember the first drive to Gates Pass, when he asked me to close my eyes and listen to Hallelujah. He closed his eyes too, and I opened mine out of worry. The sun was glowing on his face, and there was a faint smile on his lips. I didn't take a picture. I just looked.

I remember an ordinary day in Toronto, sitting in a Starbucks studying for the MCAT while snow fell outside, the brownish and corner lights feeling of the cafe, feeling a kind of warmth that wasn't just from the coffee.

I remember reading my poetries aloud in my aunt's living room to my family and the way my aunt teared up.

I don't remember much from that incredible concert last May where I filmed everything. I don't remember the beautiful sound of the waves in San Francisco because I was too busy trying to capture the beach on my phone. I wish I had just stood there. I wish I had looked longer and felt more. The pictures are no substitute for memory.

It's the same discomfort I feel when I see couples recording their "sweet moments" for the internet, or parents filming their children's first cries. The instant you realize something is being recorded, the moment shifts. It becomes performative. It loses its soul. And when I scroll through Instagram stories, I realize how forgettable they all are. I skip through them without care, and everyone else does the same with mine. Nobody cares. You don't need to document everything.

I think this constant need to record comes from loneliness. We all want witnesses to our lives, but finding real ones is hard. It's easier to accept the illusion of an audience than to risk the vulnerability of connection. Yet real witnesses, friends, lovers, family, are rare precisely because they require presence.

I look at all the moments I've recorded, and I wish I hadn't. I wish I had lived them more fully. Lately, I've started using a disposable camera instead. Only seventeen frames for a long period of time. Even 17 interruptions seems too much, but we can all start somewhere I guess.

There's something sacred about waiting to tell someone about your life in person, about letting time pass between living and sharing. About watching fireworks and thinking not about how the colors look through your screen but about the vastness of the sky above you.

For six years, I averaged nineteen pictures a day. Last month, I took only seventy, the whole month. That's five hundred fewer than usual. I can tell you that I can tell you so much more about last month than any month before. I was there for it.

Why I Deleted Social Media (it's not what you think)

I know I have to come back soon. I know it will happen again – and that is why this thought refuses to let me sleep. People often ask me if I'm still on social media, if I'll ever return, or why I deleted it in the first place. The easy answer I shall offer each time would be that I wanted to focus more on school and spend less time on my phone. But the truth runs far deeper than that.

I'll be honest – brutally so. The reason I deleted social media is because I was becoming intellectually stupid. We all are. I remember being younger, around 13 to 15 years old, and feeling my brain expanding with knowledge. Coming from an education system in Iran, I learned about molecules and atoms in fifth grade, electricity and magnetism in sixth. I was constantly learning, and I could feel it. My neurons were firing, synapses were forming, and knowledge felt tangible.

I am not a genius, and I wasn't back then either. The brain has the capacity to work – it will if you demand. But are we doing that anymore? Now, despite pursuing a degree beyond that so-called rigorous elementary, middle, and high school experience I once had, I have never felt intellectually duller.

The problem extends beyond me. It's a societal issue. I started asking myself: What kind of knowledge will I pass down to my children? As kids, we often saw our parents as endless wells of wisdom. They carried accumulated knowledge that could guide us through life. But what about us? Will we possess that same depth of understanding, or will we rely on AI-generated responses to answer even the simplest of questions they will ask us? These kids learn in the environment we provide – we create for them. What will they learn? I don't want my children's relationship with knowledge to be mediated by ChatGPT. I want them to ask me, to ask nature, to ask the world around them. And yet, I've found myself outsourcing basic intellectual effort – relying on AI to correct my grammar, draft emails, or even structure my thoughts. The most common phrase I've typed on my devices is: Correct that grammatically.

Anyone who denies using AI for cognitive shortcuts is lying. It is everywhere – quietly, insidiously, and almost imperceptibly shaping how we think and process the world around us. In an era where efficiency is prized over depth, AI has become the crutch that allows us to avoid engaging in difficult cognitive work. At first though, it seems harmless I can tell you that, in my prestupid era – letting an algorithm correct a sentence, summarize an article, or generate an email. But over time, these micro-outsourcings accumulate into something far more dangerous: the erosion of independent thought and capability.

AI and social media go hand in hand. Social media was an early, mediated version of AI, preparing us for what's ahead. Many people recently point to ideological conformity in politics, particularly among liberals, arguing that mass thinking replaced their critical reasoning. This is not limited to liberals, nor conservatives, nor any singular ideology – across the spectrum, people are surrendering their cognitive agency to narratives that have been optimized for virality, not accuracy. In this system, intellectual rigor is replaced by echo chambers, and the ability to think critically is steadily eroded as people grow accustomed to consuming prepackaged arguments rather than constructing their own.

Genuine thought has become laborious – not because thinking is inherently difficult, but because we have trained ourselves to avoid it. The moment we encounter complexity, we look for shortcuts. Instead of wrestling with an idea, we search for a thread explaining it in 280 characters. Instead of forming an argument, we look for that viral clip that already aligns with our beliefs. We don't debate anymore; we retweet. We don't reflect; we react. And because everyone is operating within the same algorithmically curated reality, the result is mass thinking – that echo chamber that poses as discourse but is, in reality, an automated loop of pre-digested opinions.

The issue extends beyond politics or intellectual laziness. It affects our very sense of identity. The way we define ourselves is increasingly outsourced to digital metrics: likes, shares, follower counts, their lens, their reality; although I am certain they do not possess that either (the reality). People curate their lives not for authenticity, but for algorithmic appeal. We don't even know what we desire anymore. But we do know what they desire. Instead of being, we are performing. Instead of experiencing, we are documenting. The consequence? A detachment from real-world engagement, real-life relationships, real intellectual struggle, and real personalities.

I see this most clearly in academia. As a student in bioinformatics, a field rooted in problem-solving, I should feel intellectually stimulated every day. But I often find myself doing the opposite – turning to AI to troubleshoot, refine, or even generate ideas. The dependence is subtle but undeniable. When was the last time I sat with a problem, uninterrupted, for hours, without asking ChatGPT for assistance? When was the last time I struggled through the frustration of not knowing, of being lost in uncertainty, before arriving at an answer on my own? This kind of intellectual persistence is what drives true learning, yet it is becoming increasingly rare.

This reliance on external thinking has also transformed how we interact socially. Attention spans have been destroyed. conversations are shallower. People talk in soundbites, regurgitate headlines, and rarely engage in meaningful discourse. It's as if everyone is a spokesperson for the algorithm that trained them. I've noticed that in group discussions, there's often a pause – an unconscious hesitation – where people instinctively reach for their phones before contributing. We don't trust our own memory. We don't trust our own instincts. Instead of engaging in conversation, we fact-check in real-time, not for the sake of truth but for the sake of winning. But we are not winning.

We were always consumers of information – before this era, we read books, magazines, and newspapers. But the difference was in the pace. We had time to reflect, to sit with ideas, to develop our own arguments and create original thoughts. The process of consuming information was slower, more intentional, and allowed room for critical thinking. But as I said, pre-era. That is not happening anymore. Now, information floods us at a relentless speed, leaving no space for reflection. We don't process – we absorb. We don't question – we scroll.

This pattern is not accidental. Tech companies have spent years perfecting the science of addiction, training our brains to prioritize dopamine hits over deep thought. Scrolling feels effortless; thinking feels exhausting. But this isn't just about social media addiction – it's about a fundamental shift in how we relate to the world. We are losing the ability to sit with discomfort, to wrestle with ambiguity, to be alone with our thoughts without seeking immediate distraction. I deleted social media to understand how I, me, think and feel about the world – not my phone, not my Twitter, not my Instagram.

On my morning commute using the train, I challenge myself to keep my phone in my pocket. I try to be present. And what do I see? A sea of bowed heads, curved necks, faces illuminated by screens. I try to be fully present, to resist the urge to reach for my phone in moments – but it feels unnatural. If I make eye contact with someone, I will be considered weird. There's an odd anxiety in just being, in allowing thoughts to unfold without interruption. I know I'm not alone in this. We have trained ourselves to fear boredom, yet boredom is where creativity is born. It is in the quiet, unoccupied moments that new ideas emerge. But we no longer allow ourselves that space.

The more I reflect on this, the more I realize that deleting social media was not just about reclaiming my time. It was about reclaiming my mind. It was my deliberate act of resistance against the forces that want to dictate how I think, what I believe, and how I define myself. I don't want my thoughts to be dictated by algorithms. I don't want my intellectual labor to be outsourced to AI. I don't want my ability to focus, create, and connect to be diminished.

It was our sense of consciousness and culture that distinguished us from other animals.

We need to reclaim our species. I know you know. It does seem like we are moving forward, as if we are getting smarter and more capable with computers. But we are digging our own grave – laying the foundation for the next dominant intelligence to replace us. Name the next species as you wish. Maybe this is how natural selection was supposed to happen. I just never thought it would be an artificial selection – by us – to eliminate us.

In the meantime:

I want to think for myself again.
I was able to once (in 6th grade).
I will be able again.

Soluté.

⁃ A 23 y/o Gen Z

The Ordinary Window

It is my last day in Toronto, and I am sitting in this café that I have been coming to this past week to study. It is also the first day of the new year, 2025. I can't bring myself to study yet. Right now, in front of me, there is this beautiful view of the outside - ordinary stores, a Chinese takeout, a psychic clinic, a UPS store. These are things I can barely see in the modernized academic area where I live in my hometown, Tucson. It is ironic how I just called Tucson my hometown since my real hometown, Esfahan, has been "NA" - not applicable - in my mind. Really, I would not go back there.

Things, as hard as they could be here, could never be as hard as how they are back in Esfahan. You know, I should look back at it with fondness, with love - the place I grew up in - but the first thing that comes to my mind, which I feel in my body, is terror and fear. Even the thought of just going there for a visit doesn't do any good to my body. This is the place I thought about maybe having one of my wedding ceremonies. One in the US, and one in Esfahan. But?

I was talking about this great view in front of me. It is the first day of the year. Many people are starting their many challenges to work out every day, read books every day, do this, do that. I don't want to write a long list and set myself up for failure. Thoroughly, with the woman's menstruation cycle, I can't do a single thing even for one straight month, let alone a year. The fact that I accept this about myself and recognize it is a huge step. When I was in high school, I couldn't accept the fact that I needed to sleep. I wanted to cut my brain open and take out the suprachiasmatic nucleus inside my hypothalamus so I could be superhuman and never sleep. I do honor now that my emotions fluctuate throughout the month, and I do honor the fact that I need to sleep. I have come a long way from my survival mode in Iran.

I am still sitting in front of this view. There has been this old couple that has been coming to the café at the same time every day to read books. They have one friend who joins them, who doesn't read books and often talks with the old man- I presume the husband. The old lady, though, doesn't care or mind the noise at all. She is extremely focused on the book in front of her eyes with her big glasses and gracefully turns the pages. No spare attention to the conversation that her husband and the friend are having.

This really reminds me of myself. When there was going to be war in Iran in 2020, and everyone was talking about it. When Trump ordered the death of one of Iran's most important nuclear leaders. I remember I was reading the most at that time. I didn't want to exist. I was just existing in The Hunger Games books. I packed a suitcase just in case we had to escape. I barely put any clothes in it. The rest was just packs of heavy things - hardcover books.

An old man in my view walks his cute dogs on the sidewalk. Once again, the view is beautiful but so ordinary, and I love it.

I am saying all of this because this is the first day of the year, and you shouldn't plan your whole year ahead. Instead, think, pause for a moment. Take it in. Look around and see where you were a year ago, the year before, years ago. And not just see - feel where you are right now. Do not plan what you want to do in 2025; soon, it is going to be 2026. Think about how you are going to feel and how you want to perceive the world around you.

Let your fingers leave the keyboard.

Look around.

And feel.

I guess in the new year, I want to learn how to connect with the world around me not through my phone but through my eyes,

my words.

I think that itself should be enough.

The Day I Ran Away

Day 789. That's the coded way I've remembered it. I left. Without a grand proclamation, without any warning. The weight of my decision fueled by an adrenaline rush, fear, and the ever-consuming urge to escape. I just... ran.

In that moment, there were no room for long farewells. I was afraid. Afraid that if I looked into their eyes one last time, heard their voice beckon me to stay, felt their touch, I might just drop my bags and collapse into the familiar embrace of what I knew. The fear was so palpable, it choked me, restrained me from uttering a simple goodbye. Instead, I ran towards an undefined freedom.

Now, in the quiet aftermath of my escape, faces of those I left behind haunt me. The gentle contours, familiar smiles, and sounds of laughter – they're all fading, dissolving into the shadows of my past. I desperately try to recall my mother's face. When was the last time I was close enough to feel her warmth, to take in her scent? Memories of her are like fragile sandcastles, vulnerable to the relentless waves of time.

How did it even come to this? All my life, I had dreamed of this departure. Yet, when the moment came, it was unexpected, jolting, a swift plunge into the unknown. I always said to myself, "I'll chase my dreams once I leave." But now that I have, the weight of reality bears down on me.

I left. But in my hurry, I left fragments of myself behind. Bits of laughter, traces of tears, and echoes of love. Fragments that'll never quite fit into my new life.

Life's ironic. I don't have many people now. Loneliness, my uninvited companion, often whispers its melancholic tales into my ears. But sometimes, in rare, beautiful moments, I find solace. In shared experiences, in resonating heartbeats, in whispered confessions of "me too" and "same here." These are the moments I cling to, the moments that remind me that while I may be lonely, I'm not the only one who feels like this.

Tears stream down my face, and I whisper to the wind, hoping it would carry my message back to the past, "Mom, hug me. Just one more time."

One Decision

All I ever craved was clarity.

A roadmap, perhaps, to understand this vast universe that felt so alien to me.

There were days when the very fabric of reality seemed to slip between my fingers, causing me to float away from the tangible into an abyss of abstraction.

There was always comfort in numbers for me. The symphony of equations, the tactile nature of calculus, the steady rhythm of logic – it all made sense. The world was a puzzle, and math held all the pieces. Yet, the deeper I ventured, metaphysics, a new although an old friend, the more I felt disconnected from the world around me.

It was as if the equations were a lifeline, but they anchored me to a different reality, far from the warmth of human touch or the ache of a breaking heart. So, in a quest to reconnect, I ventured into the worlds of biology.

Unlike the abstract beauty of math, biology pulsed with the visceral essence of life. Through microscopes, I saw the dance of cells, the miracle of birth, the finality of death. While math showed me the rhythm of the world, biology let me feel its heartbeat. This time I was connected again; for a longer time. Watching life ebb and flow, I was constantly reminded of the fragility of existence. Especially when those I loved, like my mother and grandmother, brushed shoulders with mortality. It made me question my place in the universe, the choices I had made, and the life I could have lived.

Would things be different if I had been born elsewhere?

In a land where survival wasn't the primary goal, where being a doctor like my mom wasn't an act of heroism, and where heroes didn't battle cancer?

Perhaps, in another life, I would be engrossed in mathematical theorems, reveling in the mysteries of physics, a scholar charting her own course. Life's trajectory is often swayed by the slightest winds, be they gentle breezes or raging storms.

One decision,

One circumstance,

One moment...

Can set us on a path unimaginably different from another. And while it's intriguing to wonder about the roads not taken, it's the journey we're on that shapes us.

Through math and biology, through love and loss, I've learned that while we may not always have control over our destiny, we can always choose how we embrace it.

A Symphony of Contrasts

Lost in the beauty that surrounds me.

I forget all sense of direction.

.

.

.

The music filled the air that night,

A band on Yong St. played with delight.

I stayed for hours, watching and swaying,

Drinking in the sights and sounds, no delaying.

My aunt grew restless, wanting me to join,

To dance in the circle and feel the joy.

But I stood still, my smile wide,

Content to watch, to simply abide.

As I captured a man dancing on my phone,

My thoughts took me to lands far from home.

To places where laughter is a crime,

Where freedom is scarce, a precious dime.

Dancing in public

A punishable scar

The contrast was stark, the privilege so clear,

How some are fighting while others live without fear

I remembered the warnings from my youth,

The glances, the sneers, the unkind truth.

How different the world can be,

One half fighting, the other set free.

Yet, in this moment, all that fades,

The music, the dancing, the lights cascade.

Lost in the beauty of the night,

I am content to wander, to take flight.

For every time I am lost in these beauties,

I am reminded of life's simple duties.

To live, to love, to appreciate,

And never let the world's harshness dictate.

So I embrace my wanderlust, my dreamer's heart,

Knowing that beauty will always be my art.

And though I may be lost in these moments divine,

I am never truly lost, for beauty is always mine.

Until I Sing Freely

To heal myself,
for if I could,
I'd sing until the world's edge,
free as any bird.
I'd play the piano till the keys broke free,
till the music played itself.
I'd write and never stop,
but for now,
there's a wounded world that waits,
aching for my cure.
For now, I sing the loudest song in my mind,
listen to every piano note on my walk to the hospital.
For now, I save,
for that is the love rooted deep in me,
the song my ancestors sang me into.
This is my calling, my duty.
Until one day, I sing freely again. I just hope, someday, I'll be saved too.

Children of Love

I understand now
how blessed the children born of love are.
I understand where they come from,
how they come to be.
When you love someone so deeply,
so deeply that it never feels enough,
you see them, and still, it's not enough,
no matter how tightly you hold them.
They are a part of you,
and you want them back inside,
woven into your very soul.
That love grows so vast,
that our bodies, our minds, our everything cannot contain it—
so another existence is born.

I understand now
how blessed the children born of love are.
I understand where they come from,
how they come to be.
When you love someone so deeply,
so deeply that it never feels enough,
you see them, and still, it's not enough,
no matter how tightly you hold them.
They are a part of you,
and you want them back inside,
woven into your very soul.
That love grows so vast,
that our bodies, our minds, our everything cannot contain it—
so another existence is born.

By Aunita Hakimi

Adulthood

Three years have ebbed away since I last felt my mother's reassuring presence; my grandmother now battles with the relentless advance of liver cancer. My father remains a distant, unspoken thought. Love, in its traditional guise, has eluded me, yet I've discovered it in unexpected places and forms. But these revelations do little to assuage my sense of drifting, of repeating mistakes whose lessons remain unlearned. The clarity and conviction of youth have dissolved; I am adrift in a sea of uncertainty.

Once, as a child, my decisions were swift and unwavering. I recall the ritual of choosing a dress for a wedding party: my eyes would fixate on the first dress that caught my fancy. Yet, my mother would urge patience, the promise of something better in the next store. Hours later, I would often circle back to that first choice. Now, standing at life's myriad crossroads, I wonder if the best choices were those first instincts, or if the elusive 'better' still lies ahead, just out of reach.

In this liminal space, where certainty once stood, I find myself grappling with a sense of futility. The world moves on, indifferent to my stagnation. Yet, the fire of ambition, the thirst for purpose, seems to have dimmed within me. Is this the inevitable march of adulthood - a gradual numbing of the heart?

But then, in the quiet solitude of my thoughts, I find solace in words. They are steadfast companions, stories of hope and resilience. I yearn to share a drink with Sylvia Plath, to delve into the depths of her tumultuous spirit. To watch a sunset with Forough Farrokhzad and speak of the courage she's instilled in me. These musings, these silent conversations, rekindle a spark. Inspiration, it seems, was never lost - just waiting to be found in a sentence, the embrace of a metaphor. Perhaps what my heart seeks is not a ceaseless pursuit, but a moment to breathe, to find peace in the world's simple beauties.

Exhaustion of Apathy

In a world where effort is often cloaked under the guise of indifference, where passion is dampened beneath a facade of apathy, there lies a rebellious heartbeat. This heartbeat refuses to be silenced by the trend of the 'effortless cool.' It's a pulse within some of us that rejects the norm of turning off emotions, of not saying how we really feel because we fear it's too much.

There's a generation that prides itself on apathy, that has made an art of indifference. To them, not caring has become a badge of honor, a symbol of being unbothered and collected. But this badge is heavy, and under it, the genuine human spirit is suffocated. They say to wear your heart on your sleeve is a liability. They say to show excitement is to open yourself up to judgment.

But here I stand, waving my own flag in the face of this emotionless crusade, declaring that I will not be a part of this charade. I refuse to mute my enthusiasm or to dim the burning light of my passions just to blend into a monochrome crowd. To love without restraint, to care deeply about my work, to laugh with abandon, and to let tears fall in torrents when the moment calls for it—this is the manifesto of my being.

I will not hide behind a mask of irony. I will not pretend that the things that set my soul on fire are merely passing interests. And when it comes to you, the one I hold dear, I will not hold back the tide of my affection. My love will be a beacon, relentless and unashamed.

This effortless generation, this emotionless generation, it's not where I belong. I choose the path less trodden, one where I can cry hard and laugh from the bottom of my stomach. Where every emotion is embraced as a part of the human experience.

I am not 'too much.' I am alive. I am human. And in this lifetime, I choose to live fully, fiercely, and without a single ounce of remorse for being undeniably, passionately, beautifully human.

Exile

Mom, I'm hiding from the phone. Not wanting to let you down is why. I can't say I'm hungry, can't say I'm blue. Up here, where happiness should be easy, I find it hard. You're in a tougher spot, I know, and I should be grateful. You'd give anything to be here, where dreams are supposed to live. Especially yours, Mom. But here I am, feeling lost in this dream. So, I'm silent, because sadness has found me again. I'm hungry, broke, and alone. Disappointing you is my biggest fear. I aim to make you proud, just need a moment. A moment to gather good news, to find my way. I'll call, Mom, with stories to lift your heart. I promise to make you proud. Just a bit more time. That's all I ask.

His Broken Toy

This is the is the end of something that never began

from the eyes of an old man who never saw his children again

from the forgotten generations

the assembly of hearts not broken but intact, left numb

from a mother's prayers at the airport, the plane that never landed

from the strong soul of a woman, who didn't feel at ease with love

the kid who received his wrapped gift, a broken toy

this is the book I didn't read or write, it's made to live in the back of libraries,

forgotten and dusty

the mountains wink in the heart of my window, I know too well,

they have never been hiked, or felt before,

but once were full of greenery, windy spots to feel embraced and watch the city this time, from your eyes

because this is the beginning of an end to my hopes

I stop painting and let the colors to mold

Hope

I write, and write, and write. Life is this wild, continuous story that just keeps going. And I'm always amazed at how I manage it every time, every day, every glance. I'm amazed at my own perseverance amid everything. It's like losing sense, going slightly mad. I'm desperately searching for meaning, for purpose in the smallest of moments, in each new story, each new emotion. I'm looking for something to make these seemingly meaningless events feel meaningful.

Will something come out of this, or will I emerge changed? Lost in amazement, perhaps feeling a bit euphoric, I keep getting jolted by the small parts of this larger whole. I have to wake myself up, look further, see things differently. I'm trying to grasp the bigger picture.

Then, I feel overwhelmed. I wake up again, shake off the confusion, and keep going, fueled by uncertainty and a kind of dusty curiosity. There are no answers. And maybe that's what keeps me moving forward.

Everything seems a vast gray, but sometimes it's a palette of the most intense colors that my eyes can't quite understand. So they start to see what they want, maybe not entirely true, but it's something. It's mentally, even physically draining. But every day, I get up, grab my coffee, look at the latest New Yorker, and pretend it's all fine, calm, a version of normal. I tell myself maybe everyone feels this way, and that thought is even sadder. A world full of sad, confused people.

I Just Had A Realization

Do we make movies because they depict lives we can never live? It's a bit disheartening to think about. We spend our lives watching these idealized versions of life, knowing we can never actually experience them. The entire movie industry thrives on this.

Then it got me thinking: do we listen to music because it expresses the emotions we wish we could convey, the words we wish to hear but would never?

Do we write poetry because it captures the words we long to say but could never do? It's as if we are living in a parallel world, one that isn't ours. We don't truly live in it; we're merely spectators. But I don't want to be just a spectator.

I want to live that life, here and now, in this world, not anywhere else.

Easy to say, but I at least want to try!

It's That Simple

Give people their space. Focus on your own journey. Respect yourself, tenderly. Don't let life's troubles weigh you down. Sing with all your heart to the music. Look in the mirror—dance with joy. Smile warmly at the tram driver. Call your loved ones. Tell them, you love em. When times are tough, let your tears flow freely. Run swiftly and with purpose. Feel the anger if you must. But love this life deeply. As long as love fills your heart, Step into the garden. Protect it gently. Let it grow as it will. Let yourself be. And cherish the love you find.

Living Paradox

Forsaken and cherished. A heart as pure as snow, yet burdened with guilt, Brimming with love, yet ice-cold. Daily I pledge to my soul, To seek solace amid this paradox. I hope this time I don't retreat, I don't flee, From the love that is rightfully mine.

Look Closely

In the heart of Switzerland, a single moment encapsulated a lifetime of memories. There, on a street far from our beginnings, the three of us - sister, brother, cousin - found ourselves together again. It was as if the universe had conspired to bring us to this point, a reunion that transcended the mere crossing of borders.

Our journey hadn't been easy. We emerged from the winding alleys of Esfahan, carrying with us nights filled with doubts, days of hope, and the unyielding belief that we would make it. And there we were, walking side by side in Switzerland, a testament to our resilience and unbreakable bond.

I remember telling myself, "Focus, suck in, absorb all this feeling." This wasn't just a stroll; it was a moment to be savored, a memory to be cherished. As I looked at them, my heart swelled with an unspoken understanding. "Guys, we made it," I said, our smiles reflecting a shared journey of struggle and success.

Closing my eyes, I briefly met my younger self, the child who once roamed the streets of Panj Tabaghe, innocent and unaware of the adventures that lay ahead. Reopening them, I found myself back in the present, surrounded by the warmth of their presence. We had no destination; our journey was about being together, about reaching a place beyond physical locations.

In that moment, the past and the present converged. We were no longer defined by the distance or the challenges we had overcome. We were simply together, our steps in sync, our hearts united. This was our favorite form of meditation, a way to anchor ourselves in the joy of the present.

Even oceans apart, this moment would remain with us, a beacon of our enduring connection. From the dusty paths of our childhood to the serene streets of Switzerland, we had journeyed far, both in miles and in experiences. "Feel the moment," I reminded myself. "We are together, we made it out of the past. We are in peace. We are in grace."

My Impossible

If I could ever go back, I would hug my friend tighter and tell my mom I love her cooking. I wouldn't worry about the bugs and would lay on the grass in the yard. I would read all of my books. I think I would fear less and leave my bedroom more often. I think I would run faster and swim more. I would hug my grandma and talk louder for my dad and grandpa. I would not worry about my acne and would not cover myself as much under that hijab. I would see my friend more often and open up to her. I would trust more. I would ask my mom more questions about her life and her childhood. I would watch more movies with her. I would cook for my family and be less mean of a girl. That is, if I could go back. If I could. And if I could go back, I know I would feel familiarity, but I would be a stranger. I know I would smell the old days, but the old me does not know how to sit with ease. That is, if I could. I know I can't. I know I can't.

My Mother

In the shadowed corners of childhood,

I lingered, a restless spirit in the gloom.

My questions, like autumn leaves,

Fell endlessly around her patient bloom.

"Mother," I whispered in the dim light,

My voice a haunting echo in our space.

Annoying? A persistent ghost, perhaps,

Yet she never turned away her face.

Her words cutting through the distance.

Oh, Mother, in your silent strength,

Your love, a muted, yet enduring hue.

In the Plathian night of my soul,

I find the gentlest part of you.

My Request

A Plea for Slowness from a Fast Runner

You ever feel like the world's racing and you're not even a willing participant? Like somehow you got drafted into this marathon and everyone's far ahead, but you're just trying to tie your shoelaces? That's how I felt when I first immigrated—alone, trailing behind, while everyone else seemed to be on the track of their perfect lives.

People don't talk about loneliness. They don't. Not the ones who've been in a place all their lives, and definitely not the new ones like me. It's almost like it's taboo, admitting you're lonely. It's admitting that maybe your life isn't picture perfect. Maybe that selfie had a hundred outtakes. Maybe that family photo was a single happy second in a 24-hour day. Loneliness is the silent epidemic that everyone's too proud to admit they're battling.

I haven't talked to a soul in two days. No, it's not because I want to; it's because life's so damn busy. I've been trying to set a date with a friend for two weeks. Our calendars look like battle plans, all marked and crossed, but no available slots align. So here I am, in my four-bedroom apartment, in a city that never sleeps but also never talks.

And let's talk about work or school—the mandatory attendance, the deadlines. I want to travel, breathe in a different kind of air, see the world from a different angle. But what about my assignments? My job? Life keeps handing out responsibilities like they're candy, except nobody told me the candy's bitter.

Sometimes, I look at my bookshelf and the titles whisper, begging to be read. I love reading, but I'm not a fast reader. I like to digest every word, live in every story. But who has time for that anymore? Everything's a race—a race to the top, to the finish line, anywhere but here, and certainly not with the people who might make 'here' bearable.

So, here's my plea: World, slow down. Just slow down. I want to be able to walk slowly on the sidewalk without feeling the impatient breath of the person behind me. I want time to read my books, not just scan through the summaries online. I want to sip my coffee hot, not throw it down like it's a shot of tequila. Most of all, I want the luxury to find companionship that fills the cavernous space that is loneliness.

Life isn't a race. I'm tired of racing. We're all just walking each other home at the end of the day. Why can't we make that walk a bit more enjoyable, a bit more meaningful? Is it too much to ask to slow down, be kind, and leave no room for loneliness?

So, world, listen up: Slow the hell down. I'm begging you. Let me live each moment for what it is—beautiful, full, and hopefully, not lonely.

My Way to You

You gently took my head in your strong hands,
"Let me get that for you," you said softly,
Carefully lifting the eyelash from my face.
My heart pounded, a reminder to wish,
Quickly, before it was gone.
I looked into your green eyes,
Where the sun found a warm welcome.
I looked at your sweet lips,
And it felt so natural.
I wished for you,
To be with you,
To find my way to you.

I wished for you.

Nostalgiacore

In a small, quiet room, surrounded by shelves stacked high with books, she felt both comforted and overwhelmed. Every spine was a portal to a new world, every page a chance to live another life. There was a burning desire in her to read every word, to understand every theory, to speak every language. To be a scientist, an artist, a philosopher, a voyager in not just one lifetime, but hundreds.

This yearning was a constant companion, an insatiable hunger. "Why can't I be all of these people?" she would often wonder, gazing longingly at the books that seemed to stretch infinitely. "Why is time so cruel, rationing our minutes like a miser with coins?"

One day, as the golden hour painted the room in warm hues, she picked up a novel—a simple story about a small town, its ordinary people, and their ordinary lives. And within those pages, she found a profound truth: the depth of a single moment, the richness in the mundane. It wasn't about the quantity of lives lived, but the quality of presence brought to each moment.

With this, her existence felt a weight lift. The room, once a chamber of overwhelming possibilities, became a treasure chest. She couldn't live every life, but in each book, in each moment, there was a chance to live deeply and fully—and that was enough.

Ocean's Blue

Drink deeply of the sea and lift me ever upwards,

Rest awhile, and with your truth, refresh my spirit. Guide me deep into your thoughts, planting belief, Murmur of the ocean's blue, the sky's claim on stars. Your presence eclipses other thoughts, mere ephemera, Echoes from alternate worlds. Pen the wonders of this world, its awe-inspiring essence. Welcome me into your world of wonder. Rejecting the given hues, we choose our own palette, Together, we paint the gardens. No vows, no tempests, just atoms in communion, Feeling their intrinsic kinship. Nothing and everything holds significance, your essence paramount. Melodies resonate sweetness, Rhythm and words reign supreme, Jazz resonates just as it should. No desire for change, Fingers dance lightly across piano keys, A child's first steps, amidst Cheetos and ice cream. Gazing once more at the stars, Surely the same ones I yearned for at five, now indelibly marked, seen by you too. Together, yet apart, we've gazed upon them, in times gone by. The stars, making no promises, Simply stood as a testament to our shared gaze in this reality, Years later. In their twinkle, A silent acknowledgement.

Poetic Struggle for Solace

Why is it that, at my core, I seem to be the most anxious, the most heartbroken soldier, the saddest version of myself?

I marvel at the many faces I wear, how I change and flow. Yet, why does the most accomplished, the most creative me, flourish only when I am heartbroken? Perhaps it's when I lose hope in people, and realize, again and again, that in the end, it's just me. Perhaps it's a reminder, sometimes gentle, sometimes like a slap to the face, waking my forgetful mind: you and only you can save your life, your soul, your being.

Did I forget to say how much I run in this life, and yet it never seems to be enough? It's just not enough, and the problems are never-ending.

This is the story of a 22-year-old girl who places herself in the middle of a rainy forest, hoping to see rays of sunlight one day. In her story, she was never enough for herself, never satisfied or at ease with what she had or who she was, because she lived in a house on the ocean. An unstable house in a vast, scary ocean, hoping one day to see an island on the horizon. An island to settle on, to lay down, to rest. To lie on the sand and, while listening to the waves, like a soldier dead on the battlefield, with a smile, she would say: I made it. I made it. I MADE IT.

The Debt

I've paid my toll for dreary days,

A weight of grief echoes: I am an alien here.

You've drained this spirit, and now, in aftermath's shadow,

I bathe in the remnants, in ashes.

Here lies a room kissed by sun, its light not yours to claim,

The sun, after all, resides in my chest.

To move with grace, it's a power I hold within,

A strength I harbor, time and again.

A million times, broken, scattered,

Yet each fragment shines more intensely.

The sky I crafted, it never bore your signature,

In the aftermath, I always unearth a precious calm.

Where my words find their kin,

Hoping, one day, another

Will grasp them, not through laborious learning, but an intuitive blend.

Every word, every whisper, known, felt, deep in the marrow,

I believe, with unwavering certainty, in tomorrow.

The Guilt

How far I've come, free from the guilt,
All those times I looked back, unable to stop,
Feeling guilty for being happy,
Tasting freedom while another part of the world burned,
My heart on fire.
It was hard to feel happiness without guilt,
How far have I come to find peace within,
To not feel guilty anymore?
But now I see a heartless soul,
A selfish kind,
Thirsty for ambition.
Individualism shapes me,
It saved me from that hell on the other side of the world,
Where everyone suffers now.
How can I be at peace while they still suffer?
My mom,
My dad,
I can't even help myself,
How can I help them?
I only saved myself from that hell,
Now the souls I left behind haunt me.

The Injured Bird

Every time, relentlessly, it's just me, alone in my own echo.

I see hope fleeting in a stranger's glance, a brief chapter in my unwritten book.

I coax the self, whispering maybe this chapter will differ,

But no,

It never does.

And with each cycle, I'm a little more worn, a little more faded.

I can't share these fragmented tales anymore.

I'm the lone scribe, the sole architect of my ruins.

In erasing these smudged lines, the paper weeps its own story of loss.

"Don't, don't," I command the void,

Yet in some stubborn corner of my mind, I dream of a fresh soul,

A new verse in this tired narrative.

But no, child,

No, child,

This journey is solitary,

A path you've been trained your whole breath of a life.

This is the final act,

You, and only you,

Navigating the remnants of a life lived in solitary chapters.

The Outsider

Belonging to Nothing

I hated small towns, suffocating me in their embrace And big cities, their vastness a maze I just wanted to fit in, to belong But to no place or person did I truly belong Perhaps a book, a poem, a fleeting thought Or a stray cat, a smile that I caught Moments that come and go, never to stay My existence a cycle of endings and new days Pain and joy, they both come in turn Happiness fleeting, but oh so pure I seek neutrality, a break from it all But in the end, belonging to nothing at all So I'll embrace the endings, each a new start Beginnings that bring hope to my heart For I belong to the moments, ever-changing and free And that's where I find my true identity.

The Perfect Mediocre

In brilliance they stand Their perfection so sharp Cuts through the veil of mediocrity with precision But oh where the purity? A delicate whisper of tender grace Intimate connections, Woven in my flowing hair A genuine gesture, sincere, warmth that doesn't rely on unnecessary niceties Where would I find that Tell me where

The Perfection

I pause, not distracted. The boredom sharpens my vision, brings clarity. Now, I start to really see, to understand, even use what I thought were wasted thoughts in my mind. I feel, I feel, I feel. I feel nothing That is the greatest infinity felt

The Unfinished Serenade

I hear the unkind melody of rain,
How the earth is beaten by this cruel beauty.
Time to mute my music, this pain demands attention.
Engulfed by many emotions, I'm swept into the melancholy tune,
A forgotten cup of tea, and a blanket that never quite warms.
Rain, making the streets too daunting to flee, that unkind distance.
All is foggy, and I can't see your face clearly in my weary mind, you're so far away.
So far.
It's time for a fresh cup of tea.
I pen another poem.
Damn, I forgot again.
This cold tea.